24th December 2021
I am ready for Christmas.
I’m as prepared as I possibly can be for the festivities tomorrow. The children are super excited, and this year, I have the added bonus of a Christmas not shrouded in a whole heap of uncertainty.
My 2-year CT scan was a couple of weeks ago, and I got my result back last week…all clear. Thank God.
Not without a bit of angst. Admittedly I had asked if I could get the result back before Christmas, but…
I received a phone call in the middle of last week. It was out patients, ringing to tell me I’d been booked in for a face to face appointment with my surgeon on Christmas Eve. I could bring my husband “if that would be easier”.
Thank goodness it was changed to a telephone appointment the next day.
Less time to sit, and stew and panic.
I was absolutely sick with worry, convinced it was going to be what I had most feared. I didn’t know what else to think other than the worst. How could I?
But it was good news.
Glad tidings indeed.
This is the first Christmas in three years where the Cancer Cloud isn’t looming heavy. I had my initial 2 week wait appointment back on Christmas Eve 2018, the best part of a year before diagnosis. I remember sitting in the cinema, watching Mary Poppins Returns with my family over that Christmas break, silently sobbing in the dark, convinced that it was going to be my last Christmas with my family.
Christmas 2019 I was recovering from surgery and awaiting chemo, and last year I was waiting for the results of my first year-post-treatment scan.
So much anxiety, while all the while, trying to make Christmas as fun and normal as possible, just in case…
So this year I feel I can fully embrace the chaos and mayhem.
And it feels good.
This has been a pretty big milestone to reach in the whole cancer journey. Yes, there is always going to be the risk of recurrence or metastases, and I still carry that with me, every single day, but the risk was always going to be highest in the first 2 years. And I’ve made it this far.
I’ve still got my “box” – of course I have – but with all the other boxes in the living room, piled under the tree, right now, my “particular” box isn’t feeling quite so conspicuous. I can stand a little taller, enjoying the break from the arm ache of carrying it.
Can I dare to believe that it is going to be ok?
Perhaps I can…perhaps, now I can…
Merry Christmas. 🎄